Accomplishments – Part 1
I didn’t see it coming, but what hit me the other day knocked me sideways into a bear cave of emotional back-log that I didn’t necessarily pack for. I actually heard the “voice”. No, not the TV show….you know, the one everyone always talks about in self-healing. The one that plays the reason card, that you never want to listen to, but eventually it becomes safer than pursuing your great ideas? I could hear her nagging, know-it-all voice, telling me loud and clear… She tries to keep me down, reminding me of all the bad decisions, embarrassing moments, mistakes and wrong turns of the past. She finds comfort, somehow, in keeping me small and reminding me of what I don’t have – and therefore don’t deserve. She’s a bitch.
Within an hour of her showing up unannounced like that fabled in-law that I fortunately don’t have, I found an email in my inbox that saved the day… the year… hell, I feel like it saved my life! This article felt like it spoke directly do me. As if Lady Destiny herself had been playing some cruel trick and had shown up disguised as that voice. The tears kept rolling, but this time in hope. Tears of confidence that I was going to be fine, that I have a bright future and that I am exactly where I am supposed to be – even if it’s balled up on the couch in my pj’s.
The article from Tiny Buddha, seen here, reminded me to celebrate my accomplishments and show the nagging voice of “reason” to the door. She doesn’t support me, she only keeps me down. It’s rude. I don’t appreciate being disrespected, discouraged, reminded of all of the failures in my life, thankyouverymuch. It was nice knowin’ ya’ (kinda’). If I am to embrace the imperfect parts of my life and grow and learn from them, I no longer need anything holding me down, encouraging the wallowing of miseries. I’ve let go of negative energies in my life before, this is no different……
Ok, it’s really different – breaking up with your inner voice is much harder than any job, boyfriend, or friendship I’ve every left. I’m happy to report, however, that leaving all of those negative relationships, while hard at the time, proved to be the right decision. Therefore, I have chosen to brave the storm of yet another break-up…. with my inner bitch-voice.
The article is well written and incorporates accomplishments of the Author, Kimberly Bailey. In the end she speaks of how powerful just writing the article was for her in developing the courage to live her life as her own and not consider herself an imposter. She says that writing out five accomplishments was the most powerful part and encourages readers to do the same. I’m sold. The following is a short list of just some of my accomplishments in my life and what they mean to me. I am going to spend the evening contemplating them and relishing in their strength. I am also going to continue to write similar posts occasionally to help fuel the courage it takes to kick out that bitch of a voice for good.
1. I have opened, operated and closed the doors to my own business – Rather Be Creative. My little art supply store in Gunnison, CO was the Master’s degree in retail sales I never really signed up for. I learned amazing things about building a business and being part of a community that will forever affect the way I live in this valley.
2. I have competed in both Alpine and Telemark Extreme skiing competitions, completing best 9th in Alpine and 4th in Telemark. I learned about how it feels to push myself out of my physical and mental comfort zones. Also how it feels to be judged and compared to others.
3. I have completed a sprint level triathlon without a single fan or teammate at the race. I swam 750 meters in a community pool with 6 other people in my lane, rode a mountain bike on suburban streets for 20 kilometers and then finished a 5K at an 8 min/mile pace. It was the most grueling push I’ve ever forced my body through and I did it without support. (To be clear, I was part of a team for training, but was the only person on the team at that particular event).
4. I have healed depression without medication. It was difficult for me to admit I was depressed in the first place. Taking the drugs for four years only left me feeling empty and out of control emotionally. By adjusting my lifestyle and eliminating some of those negative energies in my life I reclaimed ownership of my brain and overcame the depressing thoughts. To me, this proves what I have always thought (and that bitch has always denied) – I have a very powerful brain.
5. I have survived two separate diagnosis of Ulcerative Colitis and have developed a healthy lifestyle that does NOT require daily drugs to live comfortably. As painful moments as both diagnosis were emotionally and very much physically, if that’s where I needed to be to get to where I am now, I wouldn’t trade it for all the money in the world. Being sick has led me to a life of love, adventure, yummy food and a sense of joy every morning when I wake up. I am forever grateful for the gut pains of the past that brought me to the peace I feel today. I can’t say that I am 100% pain-free (can anyone?), but given the circumstances and lack of treatment (by choice) I am extremely proud of how far I have come.
Wow, the Author was right, it does feel good! She is also correct in that on some level it felt like I was writing about someone else….she calls it Imposter Syndrome. Basically a sense that what other people see as you accomplishing, succeeding, shining, being fabulous, etc. isn’t you. It’s an imposter. I suffer from this. It was strange to give it a name – like a diagnosis – which, to me means very little. Just another fabulous title to something we should all work towards not being, like depressed, or diabetic, or a bitch. Watch out, they may have drugs for that soon….
So here I go on my journey to heal my case of Imposter Syndrome-itis. Recognizing when that bitch decides to sit on my couch for too long and I need to kick her out will be hard. I subtitled this “Accomplishments Part 1” for a reason. I think we all need a list of accomplishments to look back on when we are feeling incapable, doubtful and depressed. I encourage you to do the same and write down five accomplishments of your own. Live with them in the front of your mind for a bit and recognize how good it feels. You are perfect, just the way you are. Don’t let that bitch with the nagging, nay-saying voice get too comfortable in your head. When you are ready, add more accomplishments to the list.
That’s my plan to get out of this bear cave I’m living in at the moment. As always, thanks for being here to hold me accountable. I love hearing from you in the comments, so please share your thoughts! Also, if you’re not already, be sure to sign up for my newsletter at the bottom of this page. I show up in your inbox every other week or so to keep you posted on all the wonderful things I’m learning and sharing. Have a friend or loved one that might be interested? Turn them my way by sharing on facebook or forwarding this blog post or my newsletter to them and encourage them to sign up too!
Until next time…. and always, to your health!